Blessed are they that mourn........

The following verse came to mind this past week:

'Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.'

How do I mourn anyways?

I hope that by writing on today's post to somehow discover in some depth what mourning is and somehow be comforted.

I was encouraged recently to have my private
time to get my feelings out. I told this person that I used to journal but haven't much since Gail's passing, just here and there. He told me that if I use the journal and set aside regular time, that this can be a time that Gail and I have together. This statement kind of kicked my butt. I never thought about journaling in this way before.

This regular journaling time could be a way for me to spend time with Gail in the here and now and even into the future. What a precious time this could be....I could tell Gail how much that she means to me in this life and how grateful I am for the life that we had, and how full it was.
Even now, I am grateful as I write this post.

The following are memories and gratitude written randomly.

• I am grateful to the Lord for being able move to Half Moon Bay 9 years ago as Gail's health improved along the way. She was active as ever, doing what she loved.
• I'm thankful that our family and friends in Orange County released us to move to No. Cal with their blessing. These past nine years have been ones of planting and building.
• I remember when Gail and I worked with Jr. Highers and she used to get her paycheck all in cash and how quickly that wad of money would disappear because Jr. Highers never had any money, but they could eat a ton!
• I'm thankful for the wonderful years that we had in Anaheim and teaming up in ministry and in community at 'The Ark'.
• I'm thankful for the tamale making parties at the Ark and I could see Gail off in the corner with a cup o' joe in deep conversation, while the rest of us were doing something silly.
• I'm thankful for what we had in community through 'JR'.
• I'm thankful for the way that my life and Devon's life were better off as a result of our 'love bond' with Gail.
• I'm thankful that Gail 'gave me up' to the Lord years ago and didn't feel the need to try to change me. This released Gail into a season of health and giving to others. It also freed me up.
• I'm thankful that Gail took the opportunity to get to know people and 'be with' people over the years. She just didn't have the opportunity, she took the opportunity to be used by God to enrich lives and to 'bear' and share with 'loved' ones.
• I'm thankful that Gail was able to team up with Aaron and Lisa and the gang at the Molina's to collaborate in the education of our children and to be involved in both a relational and instructive way. She loved being with Tay-tay, Allie, Heather, Ryan and Alison.
• I'm thankful for the Lord's gift of time that He gave us with Gail. It is priceless. (As I write this, I grieve and I mourn, but somehow it is okay.) As I write this, I feel both close to her and so blessed. I weep as I write realizing how blessed I am and how sad I am.
• I'm thankful that somehow I can have 'time with Gail' in my journaling time.
• I'm glad that the Lord used Gail to bless you and shine his face upon you and give you His peace and blessing. Gail was blessed to sit/walk/stand with you both in joy and sorrow, silence and despair, in goofiness and stupidity.
• Gail enjoyed being a team mom for the cougars, cats and cubs and she is so proud that you always did your best and never gave up. I know that she was amazed at the commitment demonstrated by Coach Steve and Coach Matt and Coach Heather and Coach Greg and Coach Kimberly.
• Gail enjoyed being your friend and counted it a privelege.
• She was honored that she could be with you and you celebrated your marriage vows.
• She was blessed to be in your small group community.
• She was blessed to be a colleague and cohort in ministry and in life.
• She was blessed to witness and participate in your baptism, Lauren, Justin, Riley, Devon, Clayton, Ray-Ray and Clarise and Laura, Kazu, Erwin, Lisa, Lucy and many others.
• She was blessed to be able to be part of blessing Kenji up at June Lake this last Memorial Day Weekend.
• She was blessed by the Anaheim Free Methodist Church for allowing her to serve there and for helping support her financially through seminary.

A about a month ago, I called Gail's Mom, Merry to ask her when she was coming up. I had had a hard week and was feeling really stretched. She came up and is with us and it has been good for all of us, I think. Devon and I began our therapy that same week, so the timing was good.

I feel that with 'Mom' here, that I can 'go' to places that it was really hard to go to. Her presence has created some 'space' for me to let go here and there. I have felt that my mind has been really crowded and busy. Mom being here has helped me slow down a bit.

'Going There' hasn't been easy. It has been bittersweet. It's hard because there is a sting and a hurt that is sharp realizing more fully that Gail is not here with me any longer physically. It has intensified the sadness and loss........and yet, her life and love still shine through and I realize that I am not as empty as I thought.....there is a fullness there...something there that even death, cannot steal....something lasting.....

This morning I called Mike (Gail's bro) and we talked for over an hour. It was like we were out taking a walk together. It was hard and good.

10/20/07

more to come.....