A shoulder to cry on...

Devon just returned from his annual summer sojourn to SoCal. Grandma Merry came with him. The first week was difficult. The last year, devon and i have been kind of attached at the hip and for him to be gone felt different than in last years when he went down.

As time went on..it was a roller coaster. I realized that I really hadn't really made time to fellowship that much with others while Devon was at home. It felt kind of awkward...I felt alone...and lonely.

With Devon gone there was space. There was room. The question was, what was going to happen in this space? What would this space be filled with?

As it turned out, I was able to mourn and be sad...I started to read Gail's journal which I had never done previously. This was good to do. I read a lot about her feelings, her thinking, her disappointments and dreams. It was an opportunity to see the world through her eyes. Who and what was important anyways?

Most of the writing was about devon. The journaling was done over a 3-4 year period, which was helpful. It brought me in touch with the depth of her love for our son. It was real and present in the here and now. It really made me miss her. Her words were speaking both lament and encouragement for me. In fact, a picture that the Lord gave me was that we were still walking side-by-side both holding the hands of Jesus. The thought and reality of still being able to be enjoined together in this life was pretty overwhelming. I did not feel so alone.

It was both sweet and sad at the same time. My mourning went deep. What we had was so special and yet sweet because we are together still. Gail's spirit lives on. I became so thankful for all the time that she spent with Devon and the absolute voracity and tenacity with which she loved the both of us. A true reflection of Jesus.

This space also offered an opportunity to get away by myself for a brief fishing trip to Tioga Lake. I returned to the very spot that Gail, Devon and I, together with the Fukuzawas and Yahatas had fished a week prior to Gails passing. I had first gone by myself about 6 years ago, sleeping in the car and fishing hard then ending with a cool quiet time of reading the Word and journaling.

I almost bolted the lake without the journaling. I stopped at an overlook of the lake and had my lunch at a picnic table and hung out, journaling. I recalled the Word or the Lord to me six years ago, "Begin with the end in mind" What kind of legacy would I leave? It brought me back to God's Word and BSF(Bible Study Fellowship).

I started attending BSF as a result of God telling me that his Word is from everlasting to everlasting and that He wanted Devon to know of his goodness through His Word. Devon and I attended BSF for about three years and then there was not a high school leader available. So Devon could not go. As time went on, my attitude soured and this last year, I just went through the motions. I signed up for this upcoming fall, but I started telling a few friends that if the high school program isn't available, I would quit.

I then wrote down the books of the Bible that I had studied through BSF and started to think of life without BSF. The Lord encouraged me that there was value for me attending BSF this last year. I gave what I had, and I showed up. I also had the opportunity to ride with a friend Taylor and I realized the value had a lot to do with the friendship with Taylor who, toward the end of the year had the opportunity to bring two precious orphans from Russia for a 5 week visit. We shared stories of expectant parents and the anxious anticipation.

I had dinner with Taylor and his wife the week after the girls left and was filled with such joy to hear how blessed they were. I came to realize that the year of BSF was all worth it just to see God work in our friendship and to partake in the Lord's blessing of their time with these girls which they wish to adopt.

I realized how patient that the Lord has been with me. I had felt so sorry for myself. I couldn't see His plan. He is so gracious! I made a commitment to continue to pray that somehow that there would be a high school program available for Devon. If not, that God would have a better plan for Devon's study of the Word of God.

Please pray for us as we walk out our lives holding onto Jesus, often in fear in trembling. We believe...help us in our unbelief.

God Bless you all!

Love,

Jon and Devon