Mourning.......together....buddies...

One of the things that Devon has been asking me almost everyday several times a day is: Did you cry today? When on the phone: 'Dad, are you crying?' He then tells me if he cried or not and what made him cry. I tell him the same thing.

I'll tell you a few things that have triggered some tears.

1. Listening to the words of 'What's Going On?' by Marvin Gaye.

2. Listening to the words of 'Devotion' by Earth, Wind and Fire.

3. Doing the laundry and hanging my clothes in the closet next to Gail's clothes.

4. When someone wrote in an E-Mail, 'Your Gail.'

5. My first walk since Gail's homecoming on the trail that we used to walk together.

6. The fact that Gail is not around for Devon.

The sadness lingers and will continue to linger. It's easy to feel sorry for myself. The 'aloneness' that I experience every summer when Gail and Dev are in So. Cal. is now permanent, she's not coming back. I mourn the loss of my love, my companion, my friend and partner and Devon's Mom. I pray that I can receive the comfort offered through others. I need to continue to talk it out and walk it out.

I remember two ladies had each lost a son to suicide. They decided to dedicate their lives to teaching others about suicide prevention. They would share their story of loss over and over and over again. Each time, they said was painful, but each time there was some healing as they shared. I dare not process my sorrow alone. Talk to someone about your loss and disapointments. It doesn't change the situation, but some hope can emerge just the same.

I went to work today after being off for over a week. It was theraputic to be back at work. I spoke to or said a simple 'hi' to about 20 people. I laughed, I listened and I was quiet. It felt good to laugh. I needed that. There was peace, strangely in the midst of insanity. How can it be?