Friday, August 17, 2007

My rap

Hi everyone,

This is my rap explaining my sadness and grief for the loss of my Mom: I am so sad without her in my life. Everyday I am going through the same fucking strife. I feel like I have been hit. Why do I feel like a worthless peice of shit? I don't know what to do. Now I feel like wasting my life on booze. Life sucks. But does anyone even give a fuck? I try to do good. I would if I could.

You know I am just being honest. I am sorry for all the profanity in it, but that is how I am feeling recentley Today me and my Dad had a really good talk about how me and my Dad are both feeling about Mom's passing. It's been hard because it's one of the first vacation we took without her being with us physically. I have been sharing a lot of my feelings on the blog but was not comfortable sharing with my Dad in person. So my Dad was wondering why I was not sharing with him. So I said when I did share with him he got mad and/or sensitive to what I was saying and just shut down before hearing the whole messeage. But today me and my Dad decided that we both need to go through the greiving process together as father and son. It's just not a army of one act. So me and my Dad made amends and now are trying to be open and honest with one another as best as we can. Thank you guys for hearing what I have to say.


Love,

Devon
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Devon
If you really think people don't care about your feelings, your wrong, I care and worried about you. I know how much your in pain. Bad stuff turns into good and I know your going to say "then why an I so mad or sad" or somthing closer to that. I notic that you are spending more time with your dad and I know you think its not a good thing, but it is. I wish I spend time with my dad and I really never get to talk with my dad. Now you and your dad can spend time with each other and if you think what I just say is not true. Think about it.

Thanks for reading
Love,
Michelle

August 17, 2007 at 9:09 PM
Anonymous said...

Devon,
i have no doubt that God is working in your life with all that is happening. i just wanted to share with you what happened in my life just yesterday. so shawn and i were up talking until 3 am about our walk with God, and our growing faith in our life. all of a sudden i just started breaking down on how i missed your mom. it was totally uncalled for, but i just have so much in my life that i would want to share with her now. spiritually, she was probably the person i felt the closest with. i would love it so much, just sharing my little steps of growth, or amazing God things that happened in my life. for example, just being a cabin leader for middle high this year has been one of the most life changing things that i have ever done. just seeing my girls grow in their faith as the week went on was just the most amazing and fulfilling things i have ever experienced, or have been a part of. i guess what i got from shawn and my conversation was your mom IS STILL here with us now. i can STILL share my growing faith and amazing things that happen in my life because she is STILL with us. she is STILL here watching over you, me, and just everyone. i really felt her presence yesterday as i was just crying, and i know if you stay open to it, you will be able to feel it too. i hate seeing you down, and i know that that would be the last thing your mom would want also. i've always admired your spiritually uplifting and positive personallity devon. i know its hard, but God is going to sustain you through every single second of the day, with your mom right there with you too. love you so much devon. i miss you too. i loved seeing you everyday of camp during meals and stuff.(:
love, Lauren.

August 18, 2007 at 4:49 PM
Anonymous said...

Devon,

I'm glad that we talked. It was hard, some raw, tough words came out. The words were honest, truthful and loving. I'm glad that we got things off our chest and made up.

You're right. No one can totally understand what it feels like to lose Mom. That is except God and also others that have lost a Mom.

I apologize for being insensitive and judging before trying to understand you. That was not fair to you. I was fearful about the impact of the words that I was hearing. No excuses though.

I'm glad that you have an opportunity to be in a support group with other teenagers that have also lost a parent. Maybe you can comfort one another and the Lord can use others to comfort you and use you to comfort others.

Thanks for your patience with me too.

Thanks for your patience and understanding in working together to plan the best school and activity schedule.

Have a great trip down South!

Love,

Dad

August 19, 2007 at 7:07 AM
Anonymous said...

Devon,

I just read your blog this morning (Wednesday August 22 @ 10:15 A.M.). I'm glad that you're staying honest and real open to what's happening. i know that your mom's passing has felt worse than a nasty hurricane and a 9.0 earthquake put together. It's the most stressful thing you have ever experienced in life, any you're at a crossing in your life, where you see the devastation of a bad storm right in front of you. I'm coming up to a 4 year anniversary of losing my mother on September 7th; I know the storm you're going through. It's natural that you are going through this at the moment; and it's even more stressful to your dad...losing a wife is the toughest thing a man will go through, while losing a parent is the second toughest thing. Either way, it's extremely painful. I still feel some of the nagging pain at times in my life, but the worst has passed me over time. I'll keep asking your uncles Mike, Jordan, and Lee from time to time to see if any of them have heard from you or your dad. One thing I know about you: you won't give up easily...I've seen you beat the odds when you were born...and remember you are "Yoshi the Demon Cruncher", right? Right! Satan may try to bring you down, but you'll fight back with a vengence, like you've been doing all along.

"Mr. E" From O.C.

August 22, 2007 at 10:33 AM

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