Back Home...

I'm home now. Alone, with candles lit. There are three candles on the mantle that must've been sitting there for years that have never been lit. Until tonight.

There is no flicker, just the flame. Steady and constant.

Just what does this light represent, as all the other lights are off?



There was a package waiting for me when I got home. A book, a photo album and a scrapbook kit.

This will help me to bring Gail with me into 2008.

As I enter into 2008, I am saddened that I will not be doing so with Gail. And yet I realize too, that what we had, no one can ever take away.

Our December 2007 and One Wish by AZ Chapman

Devon did not pass his Math Exit Exam. He received the identical score as last time.

All is not lost, as he can take it again soon.

We did not focus too much on the Exit exam because we were focussing on tutoring for Algebra 1, which he also needs to pass to graduate. He would rather take the exit exam again than repeat Algebra.

We thanked the Lord that he didn't lose any ground and that we decided to focus on Algebra and he is currently passing!

My parents were over a few weeks ago and they lit a cande. We've never been much for candles, but it was nice. I went and bought three candles and Devon placed one next to Gail's picture next to our front door. My Dad also placed some red roses that he bought next to Gail's picture. Another loving, thoughtful act which I appreciated.

There have been so many prayers and acts that have been such comfort and hope to our lives.

We are down, but not out.

Where would we be without the Lord?

Devon is starting to journal now. I would like him to get into the habit of doing this. I know that as a 16 year old, I would've never considered it.
Recently, I asked the Lord to help me write in my journal at least one sentence of praise in the morning, and one sentence of praise at night.

This has been helpful. Sometimes I do write the one sentence, sometimes, not all, and others a few paragraphs. It helps me process and go as deep as I dare.

I find that, with pen in hand and journal on my lap that the Lord starts to take over. Thoughts come to mind that need to be penned. Making that commitment to do this puts me into that place to meet with Him, so that we can process together.

Together is the operative word. If God didn't send Jesus, we'd be alone and on our own. We do not have to fend for ourselves, He sent the Helper.

Jesus was born homeless, the angels first appeared to the Shepherds who were outcasts, ex-cons and weren't even allowed to worship, because they were unlcean. And yet this is who God sent his angels to.

Jesus didn't some with a lot of fanfare and hype. He came to parents whose world had been rocked, but still trusted. He didn't come to the power elite, to the rich and the famous, but to the poor. Pastor Paul said last week, that Jesus' first breath was sucking in animal stench and that he was wrapped in dust rags. Why? so He could identify with our own poverty in our soul.

As our pastor Paul shared last week, God's actions may seem like 'Non Sense', but it does make 'God-Sense'.

And that's good enough for me....

We thank this Jesus for all of you.

We pray that this Jesus will become more and more real every day and that you will be able to comprehend how high, how deep, how wide his love is for us.

Merry Christmas!

PS. I was viewing our friend Az Chapman's Blog today. There is a link on this blog. She plays some mean hoops for our HMB Cougar team. Here is a recent poem from her site. Check it out.

One wish
by AZ Çhapman
I have one wish
it may never come true
I wish I had a friend or two
Friends they spoil you
they got your back
If you ever got attack
I want a friend because I too
like to be lazy sometimes
just like all teens do
I am tired of fighting
tired of being strong
I don't like fighting all year long
Sometime I wish I could just hide in a cave
so I wouldn't have to be brave
I have one wish
it may never come true I wish I had a friend or two

About Me
AZ Chapmen
Female teenager who has CP and a non-verbal learning disablilty. View my complete profile

The Living Reminder

I was telling my counselor recently that I want to carry Gail with me in the present and into the future and not leave her in the past. I know that I am already doing this, but how do I celebrate and rejoice in what we had together? ......I guess it's to remember....I need a living reminder....I'm finding that remembering takes work and time...there are many reasons (excuses) for not making time to remember. One is pain. Remembering brings me face to face with my loss. By not going there, am I denying Gail's (God's) desire to speak to me in the midst of my tears? Maybe. Is that where the comfort is.

It's early Saturday morning. And it's quiet. Devon's sound asleep. I do my best thinking in the Morning. I just returned an E-Mail to a long time friend. There were a lot of questions in that E-Mail, questions that I hadn't been asking myself too much. Good questions. Needed questions. They got me thinking.

I haven't posted an entry in awhile. In a way, this is a good way for me to process, because I know that so many people that I care about and that Gail and Devon care about read this and that is of tremendous help. Why? Because we know that you may not understand everything, but you understand just the same. We don't need to hear that from all of you all of the time, but we need to know that you understand and are with us.

This understanding translates into 'God with Us' You know, it's weird but God, someone that you think can be so far away, can be so near and so real. You just know. His presence is real.

When I go there, I don't have to go alone. He is there. He is the guide. He is waiting. I am lonely but not alone. This is what it means that 'God is with Us'.

God gave me a gift as I logged on this morning carrying my thoughts.....He gave me the poem that our buddy Veronica Navarro wrote and recited at Gail's memorial service in Half Moon Bay. She is a member of our Half Moon Bay cougar hoops team. She defines the word 'Spirit'. If you ever read this Veronica, thanks from Jon, Devon and Gail....

A Tribute to Gail Yoshimine

Patience, Caring, Woman
Three Words that described her well.
She who loved to help any man.
Even those who seemed invisible to man's eye
Because she wanted all humans to succeed
She who handed out uniforms that made us feel united
A team.
She who celebrated the disabled,
For who they were
For their ability
That htey hadto offer the world
She who loved smiles on others faces.

I know that she is in heaven
With Angels all around.
Know she is watching Devon
Down on the ground.
To see what he is doing around town
Know she is watching Kim and Greg.
And the kindness they they will bring
I know she's watching Jon
She really loved to watch him do his thing
And I know she's watching me,
A kid on the team.

For a dear woman who I've only known for a season,
I miss you for many reasons.
I'll remember your kindness.
And patience
Your soul
Your memory will last with me as I play,
Coach
And Cheer
For the basketball team
or when I go around half moon bay
And when someone else helps me see
The very special woman that I am and will continue to be
Thank you for all you've done for the coastside special needs kids.
From a kid on the Coastside Cougars
Who has NLD and CP.

Anger, Regret and Guilt

My counselor most recently asked me, 'So you seem to be moving toward acceptance.'

I thought. 'That can't be!' and I told him, 'No, not yet.'

Before the counseling, I had asked God to make me shut up, if he wanted me to and only speak as the Spirit led.

I was a lot more quiet this time. I asked him to ask me anything that he wanted and invited him to make observations.

Then he asked about anger, regret and guilt. I told him that I hadn't gone there because I thought that it wouldn't do any good.....I can't go back.

But back there in that hurt, anger, regret and guilt are some pretty strong feelings and feelings that have to do with my relationship with Gail. I guess, I had concluded that nothing good could come out of going back there.....but......can the light shine through regret, guilt, hurt and abandonment? We'll see.

I'm going there slowly. I'm reading some of the grief material that friends have given me. I must admit, I do like reading the stories of grief in the first person, especially from those that have also lost a spouse.

Devon and I were invited to attend a friend's birthday party which was a dance. Part of me wanted to go, but in the final result, I didn't go. I don't know if it's because I'm not ready or not.
I don't know.


jon