The Rubber Meets the Road

Devon road down with my parents on Monday. Carol and Stephen Yee went down also. Devon seemed ready to go.

I took last week off just to have 'hang time' with Devon. I think that we both wanted to make sure that we were both doing ok. Devon also had some low-key interactions with friends and attended both a graduation party and his youth group @ church.

We celebrated Father's Day with the Yees, Greg, Kim and the Holmes. We barbequed. It was a nice closure to Mom and Dad's season with Devon and I. Devon, Dad and I went to Mariners on Sunday and it was nice to worship together with both my Dad and my son.

I went back to work on Tuesday. I'm glad that I did. Work is part of the whole and I'm glad that I didn't wait until 'I get well' to go back to work. The company has been great about allowing me to transition back into full capacity understanding that part of my mind is on my grief and loss. They are willing what I have to offer, even if it may not be very much.

Last night after working a full day, I was tired. I don't think that I left a lot of things just laying around, but I found myself taking quite a bit of time, cleaning up after myself and right now, there is just one of me. Wow. But I continued to work and not leave things for tomorrow. I woke up this morning and the house was clean, dishes were washed, trash was out and I left the house with less clutter on the brain.

Tonight I talked to Devon. He called. He is now processing his grief and is feeling sad and a little mad. I think he might be feeling bad for feeling mad. We talked about how it is ok and natural to have a wide range of emotions and that sometimes the emotions are unpredictable. Like tears. He heard me crying in the bathroom. When I came out, he told me that I didn't have to go into the bathroom to cry. I told him that I was crying while I was going to the bathroom, not anticipating when the tears would fall. We had a good chat about how it is ok to have feelings and that they are real.

Tonight two of family friends called. They are gal friends. Both prayed for myself and Devon. One of them called the other night and prayed a very steadying prayer. That night, I was feeling over-tired and fried. She quoted from Psalms 73 about the Lord's goodness and presence even when our flesh and bone feel shaky. I was shaky and these good words spoke to me. Another friend, Sandee called and as she prayed, she saw a picture of me on a lily pad that was holding me up. I told her, that that must've been one huge lily pad. We laughed while we prayed. The sense was that the Lord was holding me up using these lily pads that seem so fragile.

This journey of mourning and loss is still bittersweet. The tears of sadness are still intermingled with tears of the Lord's goodness.