Back Home...

I'm home now. Alone, with candles lit. There are three candles on the mantle that must've been sitting there for years that have never been lit. Until tonight.

There is no flicker, just the flame. Steady and constant.

Just what does this light represent, as all the other lights are off?



There was a package waiting for me when I got home. A book, a photo album and a scrapbook kit.

This will help me to bring Gail with me into 2008.

As I enter into 2008, I am saddened that I will not be doing so with Gail. And yet I realize too, that what we had, no one can ever take away.

Our December 2007 and One Wish by AZ Chapman

Devon did not pass his Math Exit Exam. He received the identical score as last time.

All is not lost, as he can take it again soon.

We did not focus too much on the Exit exam because we were focussing on tutoring for Algebra 1, which he also needs to pass to graduate. He would rather take the exit exam again than repeat Algebra.

We thanked the Lord that he didn't lose any ground and that we decided to focus on Algebra and he is currently passing!

My parents were over a few weeks ago and they lit a cande. We've never been much for candles, but it was nice. I went and bought three candles and Devon placed one next to Gail's picture next to our front door. My Dad also placed some red roses that he bought next to Gail's picture. Another loving, thoughtful act which I appreciated.

There have been so many prayers and acts that have been such comfort and hope to our lives.

We are down, but not out.

Where would we be without the Lord?

Devon is starting to journal now. I would like him to get into the habit of doing this. I know that as a 16 year old, I would've never considered it.
Recently, I asked the Lord to help me write in my journal at least one sentence of praise in the morning, and one sentence of praise at night.

This has been helpful. Sometimes I do write the one sentence, sometimes, not all, and others a few paragraphs. It helps me process and go as deep as I dare.

I find that, with pen in hand and journal on my lap that the Lord starts to take over. Thoughts come to mind that need to be penned. Making that commitment to do this puts me into that place to meet with Him, so that we can process together.

Together is the operative word. If God didn't send Jesus, we'd be alone and on our own. We do not have to fend for ourselves, He sent the Helper.

Jesus was born homeless, the angels first appeared to the Shepherds who were outcasts, ex-cons and weren't even allowed to worship, because they were unlcean. And yet this is who God sent his angels to.

Jesus didn't some with a lot of fanfare and hype. He came to parents whose world had been rocked, but still trusted. He didn't come to the power elite, to the rich and the famous, but to the poor. Pastor Paul said last week, that Jesus' first breath was sucking in animal stench and that he was wrapped in dust rags. Why? so He could identify with our own poverty in our soul.

As our pastor Paul shared last week, God's actions may seem like 'Non Sense', but it does make 'God-Sense'.

And that's good enough for me....

We thank this Jesus for all of you.

We pray that this Jesus will become more and more real every day and that you will be able to comprehend how high, how deep, how wide his love is for us.

Merry Christmas!

PS. I was viewing our friend Az Chapman's Blog today. There is a link on this blog. She plays some mean hoops for our HMB Cougar team. Here is a recent poem from her site. Check it out.

One wish
by AZ Çhapman
I have one wish
it may never come true
I wish I had a friend or two
Friends they spoil you
they got your back
If you ever got attack
I want a friend because I too
like to be lazy sometimes
just like all teens do
I am tired of fighting
tired of being strong
I don't like fighting all year long
Sometime I wish I could just hide in a cave
so I wouldn't have to be brave
I have one wish
it may never come true I wish I had a friend or two

About Me
AZ Chapmen
Female teenager who has CP and a non-verbal learning disablilty. View my complete profile

The Living Reminder

I was telling my counselor recently that I want to carry Gail with me in the present and into the future and not leave her in the past. I know that I am already doing this, but how do I celebrate and rejoice in what we had together? ......I guess it's to remember....I need a living reminder....I'm finding that remembering takes work and time...there are many reasons (excuses) for not making time to remember. One is pain. Remembering brings me face to face with my loss. By not going there, am I denying Gail's (God's) desire to speak to me in the midst of my tears? Maybe. Is that where the comfort is.

It's early Saturday morning. And it's quiet. Devon's sound asleep. I do my best thinking in the Morning. I just returned an E-Mail to a long time friend. There were a lot of questions in that E-Mail, questions that I hadn't been asking myself too much. Good questions. Needed questions. They got me thinking.

I haven't posted an entry in awhile. In a way, this is a good way for me to process, because I know that so many people that I care about and that Gail and Devon care about read this and that is of tremendous help. Why? Because we know that you may not understand everything, but you understand just the same. We don't need to hear that from all of you all of the time, but we need to know that you understand and are with us.

This understanding translates into 'God with Us' You know, it's weird but God, someone that you think can be so far away, can be so near and so real. You just know. His presence is real.

When I go there, I don't have to go alone. He is there. He is the guide. He is waiting. I am lonely but not alone. This is what it means that 'God is with Us'.

God gave me a gift as I logged on this morning carrying my thoughts.....He gave me the poem that our buddy Veronica Navarro wrote and recited at Gail's memorial service in Half Moon Bay. She is a member of our Half Moon Bay cougar hoops team. She defines the word 'Spirit'. If you ever read this Veronica, thanks from Jon, Devon and Gail....

A Tribute to Gail Yoshimine

Patience, Caring, Woman
Three Words that described her well.
She who loved to help any man.
Even those who seemed invisible to man's eye
Because she wanted all humans to succeed
She who handed out uniforms that made us feel united
A team.
She who celebrated the disabled,
For who they were
For their ability
That htey hadto offer the world
She who loved smiles on others faces.

I know that she is in heaven
With Angels all around.
Know she is watching Devon
Down on the ground.
To see what he is doing around town
Know she is watching Kim and Greg.
And the kindness they they will bring
I know she's watching Jon
She really loved to watch him do his thing
And I know she's watching me,
A kid on the team.

For a dear woman who I've only known for a season,
I miss you for many reasons.
I'll remember your kindness.
And patience
Your soul
Your memory will last with me as I play,
Coach
And Cheer
For the basketball team
or when I go around half moon bay
And when someone else helps me see
The very special woman that I am and will continue to be
Thank you for all you've done for the coastside special needs kids.
From a kid on the Coastside Cougars
Who has NLD and CP.

Anger, Regret and Guilt

My counselor most recently asked me, 'So you seem to be moving toward acceptance.'

I thought. 'That can't be!' and I told him, 'No, not yet.'

Before the counseling, I had asked God to make me shut up, if he wanted me to and only speak as the Spirit led.

I was a lot more quiet this time. I asked him to ask me anything that he wanted and invited him to make observations.

Then he asked about anger, regret and guilt. I told him that I hadn't gone there because I thought that it wouldn't do any good.....I can't go back.

But back there in that hurt, anger, regret and guilt are some pretty strong feelings and feelings that have to do with my relationship with Gail. I guess, I had concluded that nothing good could come out of going back there.....but......can the light shine through regret, guilt, hurt and abandonment? We'll see.

I'm going there slowly. I'm reading some of the grief material that friends have given me. I must admit, I do like reading the stories of grief in the first person, especially from those that have also lost a spouse.

Devon and I were invited to attend a friend's birthday party which was a dance. Part of me wanted to go, but in the final result, I didn't go. I don't know if it's because I'm not ready or not.
I don't know.


jon

Giving Thanks

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for everyone continuing to help us through the loss of my Mom. This Thanksgiving it was hard without my Mom. But by your prayers and by God's holy spirt, I strongly believe that that will get us by. Thanks for reading.

Love,

Devon

Teenage Sensibility

Devon is the wise one in our family. One question that he is always asking me is: "Are you mad at me?" We were driving last night and I asked him why he always asks me that question. I asked him if I was saying or doing something that made it seem that I was mad at him. He just answered, 'You're just so quiet.' I am realizing that it is perhaps my anxiety that unnerves him and he sees through this. I am sometime anxious and don't want to talk about it, so I get pensive, and he thinks I'm mad. Maybe I am, I don't know. Just leave to Devon to bring out the best in me, or leave it to Devon to help me see things as they are.

I was complaining to him during our walk and he told me, hey just get off your butt and do something about it, instead of complaining. Wise words.

God is using Devon to give me a gentle kick in the butt at times. I know that I do this for Devon too, but that's just what parents do by nature.

He notes when I am getting overly riled up and tells me so, in a sensible, in-your-face manner. The kind of comment that makes me consider it, because it is in-your-face, but loving.

We are finding that our God is true to His Word. He is faithful. Our sorrow and our trials are testing his promises.

BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) is especially helpful here. God's word is foundational and is living. These words are not just words sitting there on the printed page, but are words of life, words that you can count on. Sure, we stray and fall, but God's word remains even though we are unfaithful, He is faithful.

Our walks in the morning and time in the Word, I am finding are necessary for us to be building on God's solid rock. We fall, but He stands, sure as shootin.

nuff said,

Love,

Jon and Devon

Post Math Exit Exam

Devon said that he felt 'peaceful' as he took his Math Exit Exam. Now, this is not a word usually associated with a three hour, (I need to pass this to graduate) Math exam, but this is what he said.

We owe this to the prayers, support and encouragement of all of you.
Devon said that he read the question three times over prior to answering.
His independent study teacher, Mr. Holden, was the proctor for the test, so he felt very comfortable.

Devon is going into his 5th or 6th counseling session this week. He seems to be benifitting from the weekly time set aside 'just to talk'. Both of us will be meeting with the therapist next week (with his permission) so that she can share some things with me. Please pray for this.

The therapy that I attend has been helpful for me. It's good to get some feedback, just to talk and process.

We have had several losses recently in our family as Gail's Auntie Tye went to be with the Lord recently and also my Uncle Bill Tanaka who lived in Clovis. Ca. It was good to be with family.

My parents, Carl and Miko are leaving tonight to return to Anaheim. Their visit has been a blessing to the both of us. We will miss them.

We are grateful for your ongoing prayers. This upcoming Thanksgiving is our first holiday without Gail with us. I don't know how it will be for us. I would like to be especially thankful for what we do have, instead of cursing for what we don't. We'll see.....

The tentative plan now is to go serve meals @ St. Vincent De Paul in the city with brother Greg. Our family enjoyed doing this last year.

May your lives and hearts be filled with all of Christ's provision and goodness.

Love,

jon and devon

Math Exit Exam

Hi.

tomorrow @ 7:45 is Devon's Math Exit Exam. He and other students now have to pass the Math Exit Exam to graduate High School.

He came very close to passing it last year.

Please pray for peace tomorrow for Devon and all students trying to pass.

Devon is continuing to meet with a Christian counselor and he is benefitting from it as am I.

Mom and Dad Yoshimine are here to be with us for about 10 days which is a treat for us.

Love,

Jon and Devon

Held together with duc tape....

This is my journal above. It is 4 years old and held together with duc tape.

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It still serves its purpose though because it still has some blank pages.

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This morning I had 'my time' with Gail. I spoke to her in the first person. The conversation did not come easily. There were a lot of starts and stops, but we were there....together.

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This was not something that I was looking forward to and it took me a week to do it. It was, however, time well spent. There was longing, pain, sorrow and a strange peace, all mixed together. It was quite messy, actually.

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I can see her now.

There she was, lying there so peaceful, a nurse had braided her hair and her favorite turtle blanket was covering her....she was saying not to worry about her, that she was going to be with Jesus and that she was safe and sound. That was both comforting and painful. This fact illcits the same feelings even now.

The painful reality that she is no longer here sinks deeper by the day and yet her memory lives on in us.

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I see Devon honoring Gail everyday. He has matured so much in a short time. No wonder. The Lord and Gail were quite a team. I sense that they are both pleased by what they see.

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I myself hope that I can be more and more like Jesus and Gail and become less that He can become more.

ahhh!...cheers!!!! The newest Peetniks in Half Moon Bay

peet's is here. finally.

two soul brothers to the right celebrating free coffee day last Saturday.

uh oh.

how am I doing

Hi,

This is Devon speaking. I feel alright considering the fact that my Mom is not here anymore. School is going ok. I am doing pretty good. Just keep praying that I pass all my classes and that I will able to stay in a good relationship with God and my Dad. Thanks for all of prayers. I hope all of you guys are doing well.

Love,

Devon

This is me in my first job at the half moon bay pumpkin festival. We sold mac and cheese and pumpkin mac and cheese.

Blessed are they that mourn........

The following verse came to mind this past week:

'Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.'

How do I mourn anyways?

I hope that by writing on today's post to somehow discover in some depth what mourning is and somehow be comforted.

I was encouraged recently to have my private
time to get my feelings out. I told this person that I used to journal but haven't much since Gail's passing, just here and there. He told me that if I use the journal and set aside regular time, that this can be a time that Gail and I have together. This statement kind of kicked my butt. I never thought about journaling in this way before.

This regular journaling time could be a way for me to spend time with Gail in the here and now and even into the future. What a precious time this could be....I could tell Gail how much that she means to me in this life and how grateful I am for the life that we had, and how full it was.
Even now, I am grateful as I write this post.

The following are memories and gratitude written randomly.

• I am grateful to the Lord for being able move to Half Moon Bay 9 years ago as Gail's health improved along the way. She was active as ever, doing what she loved.
• I'm thankful that our family and friends in Orange County released us to move to No. Cal with their blessing. These past nine years have been ones of planting and building.
• I remember when Gail and I worked with Jr. Highers and she used to get her paycheck all in cash and how quickly that wad of money would disappear because Jr. Highers never had any money, but they could eat a ton!
• I'm thankful for the wonderful years that we had in Anaheim and teaming up in ministry and in community at 'The Ark'.
• I'm thankful for the tamale making parties at the Ark and I could see Gail off in the corner with a cup o' joe in deep conversation, while the rest of us were doing something silly.
• I'm thankful for what we had in community through 'JR'.
• I'm thankful for the way that my life and Devon's life were better off as a result of our 'love bond' with Gail.
• I'm thankful that Gail 'gave me up' to the Lord years ago and didn't feel the need to try to change me. This released Gail into a season of health and giving to others. It also freed me up.
• I'm thankful that Gail took the opportunity to get to know people and 'be with' people over the years. She just didn't have the opportunity, she took the opportunity to be used by God to enrich lives and to 'bear' and share with 'loved' ones.
• I'm thankful that Gail was able to team up with Aaron and Lisa and the gang at the Molina's to collaborate in the education of our children and to be involved in both a relational and instructive way. She loved being with Tay-tay, Allie, Heather, Ryan and Alison.
• I'm thankful for the Lord's gift of time that He gave us with Gail. It is priceless. (As I write this, I grieve and I mourn, but somehow it is okay.) As I write this, I feel both close to her and so blessed. I weep as I write realizing how blessed I am and how sad I am.
• I'm thankful that somehow I can have 'time with Gail' in my journaling time.
• I'm glad that the Lord used Gail to bless you and shine his face upon you and give you His peace and blessing. Gail was blessed to sit/walk/stand with you both in joy and sorrow, silence and despair, in goofiness and stupidity.
• Gail enjoyed being a team mom for the cougars, cats and cubs and she is so proud that you always did your best and never gave up. I know that she was amazed at the commitment demonstrated by Coach Steve and Coach Matt and Coach Heather and Coach Greg and Coach Kimberly.
• Gail enjoyed being your friend and counted it a privelege.
• She was honored that she could be with you and you celebrated your marriage vows.
• She was blessed to be in your small group community.
• She was blessed to be a colleague and cohort in ministry and in life.
• She was blessed to witness and participate in your baptism, Lauren, Justin, Riley, Devon, Clayton, Ray-Ray and Clarise and Laura, Kazu, Erwin, Lisa, Lucy and many others.
• She was blessed to be able to be part of blessing Kenji up at June Lake this last Memorial Day Weekend.
• She was blessed by the Anaheim Free Methodist Church for allowing her to serve there and for helping support her financially through seminary.

A about a month ago, I called Gail's Mom, Merry to ask her when she was coming up. I had had a hard week and was feeling really stretched. She came up and is with us and it has been good for all of us, I think. Devon and I began our therapy that same week, so the timing was good.

I feel that with 'Mom' here, that I can 'go' to places that it was really hard to go to. Her presence has created some 'space' for me to let go here and there. I have felt that my mind has been really crowded and busy. Mom being here has helped me slow down a bit.

'Going There' hasn't been easy. It has been bittersweet. It's hard because there is a sting and a hurt that is sharp realizing more fully that Gail is not here with me any longer physically. It has intensified the sadness and loss........and yet, her life and love still shine through and I realize that I am not as empty as I thought.....there is a fullness there...something there that even death, cannot steal....something lasting.....

This morning I called Mike (Gail's bro) and we talked for over an hour. It was like we were out taking a walk together. It was hard and good.

10/20/07

more to come.....

Homecoming October 5-7, 2007 Blue Lakes, Hope Valley, Ca. Highway 88

Hi there...

We had an adventure last weekend. 18 men and boys were trying to get to Tioga Lake to catch a late season lunker trout.

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We never made it to Tioga. It snowed 6 inches. Tioga Pass closed. Sonora Pass closed. Ebbetts Pass closed. We kept moving north trying to get over to the other side to 395 and down to Tioga from the back side. All to no avail.

Since we were the advanced party, with the tents, we had to make camp and set up camp. We looked at the GPS and it said Tioga Lake 4 hours and 37 minutes. That made 0ur decision for us.

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The Lord led us to Blue Lakes off of highway 88 near Hope Valley. It was snowy and went down to 17 degrees. As it turned out 2 out of the 3 of us in the car had been to Blue Lakes and it was a sort of a homecoming for guys in the group that had run cross country in and had come up to Blue Lakes in their high school days for training.

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As we saw each vehicle pull up, we were relieved, because the change was made on the fly and the conditions had worsened with some cars spinning out do to drifting snow at lower elevations.

But alas, the tents were set up and a white hot fire was inviting chilly ones to draw near.

Boots melted, but guys didn't care, their toes were toasty.

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Around the campfire we sang and acknowledged to the Lord and to one another that Jesus is with us through all of our lives. This truth rang true in our worship together and was evident.

We had the lake to ourselves and the frigid temps gave way to 2 glorious days of fishing together. For more pics please go to www. marinerscc.org and go to picture gallery so you can experience our trip for yourselves.

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You will want to be sure to be there next year.

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Love,

Jon and Dev.

This Is one happy camper

Devon was invited to get some 'real time' and 'in your face' feedback from his teachers at school. He took it like a man, and came out smiling. Here he is to the right with psychologist, Heather who shepherded his IEP yesterday.

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Devon received a first hand account of how he is doing in each class and how improvements can be made. He did well to receive the comments with acceptance and grace

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This was a big deal because this one happens once every three years.

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It went well as the Spirit directed the proceedings. It was evident that his team of service providers, instructors and friends are solidly behind Devon and his desire to obtain his high school diploma and to be able to walk with his class.

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Heather said that Devon is doing remarkably well despite what he's gone through and the fact that he is at the high school for the first time.

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Aaron, his home school teacher and believer trained Devon up well. His notebook looks organized which is a minor miracle in itself

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I think that Gail is proud of how Devon is doing.

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It was a godsend for us to move to Half Moon Bay as Gail has been able to pour herself into our lives. We are better off as a result. We are thankful too that Gail was enjoying life and living and even on the day of her episode, she was preparing for a party for others.

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Her life was so full of good things and good people. Her life was short, but so full and we are thankful that she was doing what she loved doing. Devon and I grieve her loss. It is indeed painful to know that she is not with us and that we will no longer see her in this life.

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We need to still get help in doing our grief work. Pray for us for this critical piece of a healthy future. It seems that God is leading us to a private counseling situation with Christ follower that is Asian American.

It looks like the teen peer counseling is fallen through and is not supposed to happen as a first step.

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Close friends Lisa, Deanne and Auntie Liz were present with us with meant the world to us, as were our friends and family near and far, the memorial day gang, the big wave gang, the work gang, the hoops gang, the Mariner's and C-Pals gang and the 'save the yoshi's committee' is doing their part to be hands, and ears for us.

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We love you all!

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Gratefully,

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Jon and Devon

Prayer Request

This is a happy camper????

Tomorrow is Devon's IEP (Individual Educational Plan/Trienniel) which includes results of psychological testing.

The aim of this process is to tailor his educational program to suit his needs on various levels including, but not limited to:

1. Academic
2. Psycho/Social
3. Workability/Career development
4. Occupational therapy
to name a few.

Deanne, an OT and Lisa, Devon's bud and confidante have been great in getting us prepped for the meeting.

The participants include: the school psychologist, his instructors, his case worker, his service providers and parent advocates.

We need prayer for us to be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit for wisdom and counsel so that we are in step with the Spirit and don't get ahead, or lag behind.

Devon's head and heart are into the game (school). It's truly been a miracle how he has progressed in this, his first full year at High School.

We have been so needy and friends and family have been intervening.

After a long layoff on the journaling, I don't to have to think too hard at all at how Someone is looking out for us. I'm glad that I have so much thanksgiving to fill the pages with.

Please pray too for friends Aaron (Devon's homeschool guru) and his wife, Anne as they have moved to Cambodia to serve the people through education and friendship.

Please pray for good friend, Kimberly who just moved to Vietnam for a season. Pray for safety and discovery. We all miss her so.

Please let us know how we can be there for you as you so wonderfully have been there for us!

Love,

Jon and Dev

P.S. Devon must have a prophetic gifting. He attends the Saturday night service @ Mariners. Last Saturday, he came home and insisted that I attend the 9:00AM service. I didn't want to, but did.

It seems that everytime Devon insists that I go, it is a Sunday that I don't want to go, but go because of his insistence, and each time, I think Wow. I'm glad that I did.

The phrase that stood out to me was, 'Jesus didn't minister to others from a distance. When he ministers to us, he comes close.'
You can hear this message, it's a good one by going to www.marinerscc.org.

Life with me

Hi everyone,


This is Devon speaking. I am doing alright considering that I feel really sad without my Mom here with us physically. I don't know what to take my anger and depression on. I know I want to serve the Lord with all my heart, but it's really hard or almost pratically impossible to see what he is trying to do in my life. I am trying to stay quote in quote "strong" for everyoe. But then I discovered that it's ok to miss my Mom and go through this greiving process. I just want to live a life for God, and impacting others.
What I am really thankful about is that me and my Dad are able to take a five minute walk in the morning with each other and talk about how we are doing. I am glad that I still have my Dad with me to talk. I am also glad that you guys are still around to support me.
My prayer request is that my IEP will go well and will be productive.

Thanks for listining,


Devon

What's Up with me

Hi guy's


My shool year has been o.k. for the first two weeks. It's not really that bad. I got science, chours, U.S history, english, Algebra, and independent study. The most hardest class for me is proabably Albebra because in my opinion it's so complex and hard to understand. My favorite subject has to be english because I always get a's in that class. It's been hard to go through life without my Mom. So my prayer reqest is that school and work for me and my Dad would go well despite the fact that my Mom is not with us physically. I also have a prayer request that we would honor her memory and honor the Lord. Thank you guys for listining.

Love,

Devon

I want to share this E-Mail with you......

Hello Jon and Devon,

We have been thinking about you both during this first week of school, it reminds me of all the time I spent alone in SB with the girls in school, at first it was hard to find people to put on the emergency list.

It seems you are in good shape in this area, with good friends pitching in. It takes a village and your mom was so instrumental in setting up that village, in many ways she was always preparing you to walk in the world.

She is so proud of you and what a man you are becoming.

I know school is a challenge Devon, as I watch A___ go through her daily struggles I realize that the process is really a life's training ground, a place to find yourself and loose yourself simultaneously.

When it is good, relish ( no not the stuff you put on hot dogs) it, when it is bad, remember it is just --yes, just high school. Ask your dad what he remembers from that time in his life, you already have such a good head on your shoulders that you are way ahead of the game. I think in part it is those good Yoshimine genes, no discredit to your mom. But, the Yoshimine men are awesome and you are the one who will carry on the family name and spirit.

We look forward to spending time with you both next weekend in Clovis.

A___ will be with us, Dodger not.

See you soon,

S-

This was so life affirming to me for Devon. Thank you, sj!!!!

Love,

jon and dev

School Dayz

Devon flew home today on Jet Blue. We were all proud of him as he was able to navigate the airport without any problem. Grandma Merry (Gail's Mom) was very proud of Devon. I think that it gave her some peace that he is getting exercising some independence. Next time he won't have two fistfuls of change in his pockets going through security....oh well...live and learn.

A good friend and I got together on Friday night. He and I went to a Giants-Cubs game @ ATT&T. It's hard to go to a game and have no one to root for. The company was good though and so were the garlic fries. We got together again on Friday to worship. I told him that I can't remember anyone calling to get together just to worship. It was good.

Devon, Joey S., and I went to Half Moon Bay High to go to Devon's locker. He has a great location and he opened it over and over again easily. He will need to use his locker this year because he has six classes. Last year, Dev lugged his 100% of his books back and forth.

We also walked to his classes. We went to one class, his Algebra class and the door was open. Inside was a very sweet, kind instructor, Ms. B., and she asked Devon if he was nervous and Devon shared that Algebra was his toughest subject and she replied, don't worry, we're in this together. This was reassuring to the both of us. Again, God providing.

I'm grateful that on both occasions when I went to the High School, Pete M., was there (the head of special education. He help me navigate the changes that needed to be made. This was really helpful because Devon's counselor is new this year. It was amazing to me that Pete was there both times! Again, God providing.

Devon's case manager for his special education is his independent study teacher who also teaches Algebra who also is Devon's independent study teacher. Again, God providing.

I called our neighbor this afternoon to speak to her husband that had just returned from a month-long fishing trip. He was off for another week of fishing! We talked a little about school starting tomorrow and she offered to take Devon to school everyday! I didn't even think to ask her. Again, God providing.

I called another friend tonight to pray about the upcoming school year for our kids and during the conversation, she volunteered to invite Devon to her house after school as needed and offered Devon a ride home on rainy days! Again, God providing.

When I am feeling down and out, I need to be reminded about the goodness of a God who provides!

We are so grateful for the thoughts and prayers that have been offered on our behalf. Love and thoughts from afar have brought near and present in our lives through the agency of prayer!

Please let us know of your prayer requests and you can contact us directly @ desert_streams@sbcglobal.net.

Love,

Jon and Devon

Sweet Music...YouTube of Alcia Keys

Enjoy this video and song. It is from the movie, 'Glory Road'. We believe that we are walking a 'Glory Road.' It may be a hard road, but it is a Glory Road still the same, because it is the road that Jesus walked.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayU4cQmaAmY

Love,

Jon and Devon

My rap

Hi everyone,

This is my rap explaining my sadness and grief for the loss of my Mom: I am so sad without her in my life. Everyday I am going through the same fucking strife. I feel like I have been hit. Why do I feel like a worthless peice of shit? I don't know what to do. Now I feel like wasting my life on booze. Life sucks. But does anyone even give a fuck? I try to do good. I would if I could.

You know I am just being honest. I am sorry for all the profanity in it, but that is how I am feeling recentley Today me and my Dad had a really good talk about how me and my Dad are both feeling about Mom's passing. It's been hard because it's one of the first vacation we took without her being with us physically. I have been sharing a lot of my feelings on the blog but was not comfortable sharing with my Dad in person. So my Dad was wondering why I was not sharing with him. So I said when I did share with him he got mad and/or sensitive to what I was saying and just shut down before hearing the whole messeage. But today me and my Dad decided that we both need to go through the greiving process together as father and son. It's just not a army of one act. So me and my Dad made amends and now are trying to be open and honest with one another as best as we can. Thank you guys for hearing what I have to say.


Love,

Devon

IHOP

Tonight just when Devon and I came back to our motel room, I was watching and listening to a 10 minute praise song by worshipers from IHOP. Much of the worship had no words.......

The Holy Spirit was saying......

'Your ways are not hidden from me. I know you altogether.'

It was like I was hearing it directly from the Lord himself.

I'm thankful that he uses things like this amazingly on public tv through God.tv.

Wow.

To Devon

Dear Devon,

I am thankful to the Lord that He provided a way for you to attend Redwood Christian Camp this past week. Thanks for calling me to tell me how you were doing early in the week. I was praying for you all week that you would remain open to all that God has for you and you would learn from Him and walk in His ways.

I heard that you shared your heart with others and received prayer. I'm thankful that you have a heart that is open to the goodness of God. I need to remain open to His goodness also.

I have been having a good time this past week. And yes I did cry this week. (I thought I'd tell you before you ask) Many of the tears fell just realizing how good he is and that we are in good hands.

The following verse has helped me. .....And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age'
Matthew 28:20. The Lord knows what we need. He is always sending us reminders that he hasn't forgotten about us, or has not abandoned us. He has shown this to me in the following ways this past week:

1. I was sitting outside during a break at work and was looking at the flowers growing in the sun and though about the verse, 'Consider the lilies, they don't worry about anything, but they rest under His care.' We can do the same. We don't have to worry.
2. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. God is with us. He shows us this through people. There have been some sweet visitations this past week. Uncle Peter told me about a time in 70's or 80's when Mom convinced him to go on a protest with her. We had a good laugh about this. I had an Al and Bea's burrito that uncle Peter brought from East La.
3. Bachan ironed a bunch of my shirts and through away a bunch of junk.
4. Auntie Sandee H. sent a to-do list and Bachan 'loved' crossing things off the list.
5. Ji-Chan and Ba-chan helped wrap Cd's and books so that they could be sent out.
6. Uncle Brian and Auntie Sandy stopped @ Bay City to say hi.

I'm looking forward to spending time with you when we go to Mt. Lassen together. It will be good to take some hikes and you can tell me what the Lord did at camp. It'll be good just to hang together. Please remind me to order some Netflix movies to take with us.

Love,

Dad

Friends Forever....

This pic is with Greg and Kimberly, dear friends and fellow coaches in Special Olympics. If you ever do a keyword search on Google and type in 'give' you will find 'hits' too numerous to count!

They were there for us giving and giving. They have poured themselves out much like Jesus, giving and expecting nothing in return. They just 'show up'! It's not like they don't have anything to do either! They are in the midst of a move across the street from Pac Bell in SF. Please pray that it cools down! The wonderful skylight is hiking up the temps!

This photo is in front of Greg and Kim's favorite foodie joints, called 'Peter's' We celebrated both Mother's Day and Father's Day with them over breakfast.

Kimberly is working with 'Big Wave' (see links for more info). She is the communications director.

Greg and Kimberly have become family. Gail, Devon and I always wanted our friends and family from So Cal and No Cal to meet and they have formed, lasting relationships. During the hoops season, Kimberly and Gail would sit in the bleachers and talk about family and life. They became close and kind of like sisters.

We're thankful for our friendship with these dear ones. Please keep them in your prayers.

Fun with Friends...Brice, Sandee, Riley (in our boat) and Karina

This was a fun afternoon in Golden Gate Park paddling around Stow Lake on a grey Sunday Afternoon this last weekend. Brice, Sandee, Riley and Karina were on their way back from a two week road trip to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. They laid over for a whole week and worked and worked and worked. Between brother Jeff Yosh and the Hunts, our garage is cleaned out, and our home is in good shape. Sandee took the time to go through everything. Brother Jeff, rented a 12 yard dumpter and filled it to the brim. The rest of the stuff, we put out for free and it went. The recliner, couch, refridgerator and dryer and a bunch of other trash only cost 59.50. Brice and I were sweating it with 'only' 200 bucks in our pockets.

Brice walked with Devon and I on our regular walks. This has been a great source of encouragement and it helps get the day start off on the right foot. There is still much to consider and it is challenging to sit and be still and receive. Our souls need to receive His comfort. I sense that part of us is resistant to being comforted because we're upset and hurting. Please pray that we can be open to the Lord's ministry and comfort that can only come from Him.

Dev and I are going to take a mini-vacation to Mt.Lassen Volcanic Monument. This is somewhere that we've never been and we plan to hike around and fish a little but not much. It's more of a discovery and hang out vacation. We will be staying in Chester, Ca. The key amenity is a tv. It will help to also have a refer and a microwave.

Then when we return, Devon and i are going to attend the Craig's List non-profit boot camp @ Cal. I went last year and it was valuable and I want Devon to be exposed to the not for profit world. Craig's List does it so well. We use them at work for job postings almost exclusively.

Devon has started tutoring for Math with the aim of helping him to pass the Math portion of the California High School exit exam. One of our friends from church, Deanne suggested that one of her boys help Devon and her son Brendan is tutoring Devon for an hour each night. Devon doesn't complain and seems to enjoy it. One of his favorite sayings is pie plus pie equals more pie. You can be praying about his schooling for the fall. I need to make an appointment with the counselor to discuss his classes. He will be in high school full-time after being in home school half time last year and high school half time. I want him to enjoy high school. I want him to be able to go out for a sport, get a job and get his license. Currently, in my mind his schedule as it stands now precludes him from doing this. Please pray for wisdom here.

The Lord has been providing for us. The following are just a few ways.

1. A friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time shared about the loss that he encountered and how it affected he and his wife. He shared how he dealt with it and he and his wife did the grief work.
2. The teen grief support group in Palo Alto is on Tuesday nights which is Bible Study Fellowship next door in Palo Alto. I'm hoping that Devon can attend both.
3. Our friend Lisa invited us over for a barbeque tonight and a movie.
4. A friend came over and shared about how he has been dealing with the loss of health with his spouse and the impact that it has had on he and his family.
5. The meals that have been coming our way from the the community for the last 5-6 weeks. It happens that it is often enough that we don't have to cook much and not too frequent that we have to throw stuff away.
6. Hanging out with the fellas and having a movie night @ the Tuhoys
7. Brice joining us on our walk.
8. Kenji joining us for our walk and taking Devon to Popeye's.
9. The ongoing prayers and memories that come both through E-Mail and through the blog.

I was sharing with Devon the other day, that one of my biggest concerns is trying to the job of two people and realizing that I can't give to Devon what Gail gave to him. I don't want his life to be cheated, I want it to be better. I told him that both he and I will have to step it up. We discussed that we need to write down what is important and agree what is important and make time for it. Last Sunday, Devon wrote down 32 things that are important while I attended the early service. I want to share what he wrote:

1. Do homework and turn it on time.
2. Feed the cats
3. Clean their litter box
4. Fill up their water
5. Make my bed
6. Take my medication
7. Do and go to my Bible Study Fellowship lessons.
8. Get good grades
9. To maintain a good relationship with God and follow Him and His calling
10. To organize my homework
11. To make sure I either have my lunch packed or have enough money for lunch
12. To be able to have all my school supplies before school starts
13. To work hard and hopefully pass the Math exit exam
14. To honor my Mom's memory by doing what she would love to see us doing
15. Be leading more of my friends to Christ
16. To be able to keep open house.
17. To become more active in my small group
18. To become cool-tempered
19. To grow deeper in my faith
20. To honor God adn his commandments
21. TO grow closer to God
22. To stay in shape
23. To be an active member in the church
24. To be able to go from ground zero to ground 10
25. To be able to impact people's lives
26. To spend more time with the things that are important
27. To be able to open my heart to new ideas
28. To be able to stay strong for my loved ones
29. To be able to honor my Dad.

I will share how we are doing.

Love,

Jon and Devon

Walking with Dad

Hello everyone,



This is Devon speaking. Me and Dad walking has been really helped me by keeping me fit and also to keep in connection with my feelings and also my Dad's. Today me and my Dad's walk been really helpful because we were discussing about what we need to do that is really important and to not neglect the stuff in our lives that are trying to help us. We got in a argument about what we should to but eventually we came to a agreement and made amends for arguing. It's going to be hard without my Mom around. But it's not impossible with family, friends, and God. Some of my prayer requests is that me and my Dad could really commute about how we feel without getting mad. Also that we could make it day by day without getting wiped out. Other then that I think I am fine. See you guys later





Love,



Devon

helpless

Hello everyone,

This is Devon. You know, people have been telling me about all this shit about how the hell it's going to get better. But, the reality of it is, is that it's not going to get better no matter how hard I try. I could try until I am blue in the face, but it is not going to make it any better. I feel so sad without my Mom. I don't know what to do. People will probably say, trust in God. I did until he took my Mom away. Then I got pissed off at that mothafucka that calls himself the greatest God in the whole damn universe. But that is my own humble opinion. What's is my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Well I tried praying and it worked most of the times. But I never been as strong in my faith since my Mom passed. I try to trust in God even dispite my circumstances. Thanks for listening to m endless bitchen.


Love,

Devon

Devon's Celebration @ Sweetwood Campground

Hi Everyone!

For the last 9 years until this year, Gail and Devon have travelled to So.Cal. during July. He usually celebrates his birthday with family down South.

This year I was feeling the pressure. Devon's 16th Birthday. I'm so busy and there is no time to plan, and how do I get the word out? Plus, we've never had a party for him up here in the past. But I thought that it would be good given what's taken place to have as many people come around in more of a celebratory environment. We are grateful to the Lord that he provided such memorable event that I'm sure that both Devon and I will cherish.

For the last few years, I have been wanting to host an event/retreat at this campground in Half Moon Bay. It is a group campground that can accommodate 50 campers, it is wooded and has a grassy field with a huge fire pit. It was cool as it was available with less than a week's advanced notice. Truly a gigantic God thing.

A friend that teaches special ed and works with Sierra Club has a bunch of rec. equipment that he brought out, including a volleyball net, frisbees and a football. He had some games to run, but he didn't have to because everyone was just doing their own thing.The campground is next to the coastside trail, so some of our friends biked to the campground to join the festivities.

We grilled a bunch of carne asada, corn and people brought other fixins.Devon had a greeaaat time! It was cool to see him laughing. The area is so safe and lots of places to explore. You wouldn't know that you are literally 5 minutes from Safeway. We don't usually have group activities with our hoops buddies during the summer, so it was good for everyone to run around and get a little crazy. I know Gail would be pleased. Mom Toguchi busted butt doing a lot of chopping for the tacos. It was good for Devon to re-connect with a bunch of people that he hadn't seen for awhile.

It was a great blend of friends of church and the community, and Special Olympics. Guys from Devon's small group came out to hang.

Devon is in summer school. It is kind of boring and seems like a waste of time. He hangs out at the boys club after school. He is still involved in Kuk Sool but I think that he wants a vacation from it. He ditched the other day and I kind of laughed. He took a detour to Burger King but eventually made it.

Mom Toguchi is leaving on the 26th. Brother Jeff Yoshimine is coming up this week and working on some house stuff, like getting the garage in shape to be a activity space for Devon and his friends. The following week Brice and Sandee are staying in town and will help do the same, then we will drive up to the Sierras with Brice and Sandee for the weekend.

Devon will be a Counselour in Training at Camp-by-the Sea the first week of August. It is at the local elementary school. He then be off to Redwood Camp. I'm staying home. My folks will be up during the week of camp, then the week after. We might try to get down South after camp before school starts.

A good friend, Deanne K. has offered her two boys to help tutor Devon in basic concept of Algebra. He came close to passing the Math portion of the High School Exit exam. This year's test is on November 7th and 8th.

Devon and I are trying to do the walk that Gail and I started doing a few months prior to her illness. He's pretty good about it. It's to talk in the morning. We are both in a pretty good mood. Please pray for our health and that we can both get healthy and stay healthy.

The church family has been providing meals for us 3 or 4 times a week and will continue to do so through August It has been great. (no fish!) We have not had to cook at all, which would be time consuming. Hopefully I can get things that I need to get done, done, so I can do some cooking. If you have any simple recipes, please send them our way.

I am going to check into a grief counseling for both Devon and I, just to get some feedback. It is through KARA in Palo Alto. Please pray for this. I don't know what 'normal' in processing my(our) sorrow and I don't want to over react and we need to be continuously receiving His Grace and Mercy. Devon has had a few 'touch points' with some close friends whom he trusts. I have had less so. Please pray that I don't try to process this by myself. It's hard to truly explain how I am doing because the emotions are mixed. I do have the same assurance that Gail is safe and sound and I do have concerns about the future. Having Grandma Merry here has been a tremendous help.

Please pray that we will follow the Spirit and not get ahead of Him and not be anxious. Time seems fleeting with work and all. Please pray for a healthy rhythm to our lives whatever that might look like. I know that the Lord has created space for something new. I don't just want to fill it with 'stuff'.

Thanks.

Love,

Jon and Devon

hello

Hello everyone

Devon speaking. I feel refreshed after I went to summer camp at San Deigo for a week. When one of the speakers were speaking, he said there was a major difference between knowing some facts about God, and acutally believing in him and those facts. So I realized that I knew some of the facts about God, but did not have a actual personal relationship with our God and savior. So on Tuesday night, I decided to trust God and put my life in his hands. Ever sine, I have been trying my best to live a life of Godliness. Now that I am back from camp, it is refreshing but it's also hard. The reason that it's hard because now I am back in a sinful enviornment. I was safe in a all christian enviornment when my faith can grow, but now when I am back in the community of Half Moon Bay, it is harder to follow through with my walk with God. If anyone has suggestions please write on the blog or please pray for me. Thanks.

It has been hard or almost impossible without my Mom around. Me and my Dad are not empty but we are still in the stage of greiving. But I know God is with us and so are you guys. Thank you guys for all the hard work and support you gave and countinue to give us to this day. I just pray that God will bless all of the work you guys have been doing to support us. Thank you guys so much

From,

Devon

Mourning.......together....buddies...

One of the things that Devon has been asking me almost everyday several times a day is: Did you cry today? When on the phone: 'Dad, are you crying?' He then tells me if he cried or not and what made him cry. I tell him the same thing.

I'll tell you a few things that have triggered some tears.

1. Listening to the words of 'What's Going On?' by Marvin Gaye.

2. Listening to the words of 'Devotion' by Earth, Wind and Fire.

3. Doing the laundry and hanging my clothes in the closet next to Gail's clothes.

4. When someone wrote in an E-Mail, 'Your Gail.'

5. My first walk since Gail's homecoming on the trail that we used to walk together.

6. The fact that Gail is not around for Devon.

The sadness lingers and will continue to linger. It's easy to feel sorry for myself. The 'aloneness' that I experience every summer when Gail and Dev are in So. Cal. is now permanent, she's not coming back. I mourn the loss of my love, my companion, my friend and partner and Devon's Mom. I pray that I can receive the comfort offered through others. I need to continue to talk it out and walk it out.

I remember two ladies had each lost a son to suicide. They decided to dedicate their lives to teaching others about suicide prevention. They would share their story of loss over and over and over again. Each time, they said was painful, but each time there was some healing as they shared. I dare not process my sorrow alone. Talk to someone about your loss and disapointments. It doesn't change the situation, but some hope can emerge just the same.

I went to work today after being off for over a week. It was theraputic to be back at work. I spoke to or said a simple 'hi' to about 20 people. I laughed, I listened and I was quiet. It felt good to laugh. I needed that. There was peace, strangely in the midst of insanity. How can it be?

Brother Greg with Gail @ Pleasanton Hoops Tourney 4/07

Devon is off to San Diego (Hume Lake)

Devon is off to San Diego (Hume Lake) today. He has gone to summer camp before. His guy's small group leader (Greg) and some other buddy's from church will be there too. Thanks for your ongoing prayers. He is struggling a bit with hurt and anger.

This picture is at a book signing with his home school teacher Aaron. Aaron wrote a book that he used in Devon's home school entitled 'Myth and the Summer Moon.' Aaron and his wife Anne will be leaving soon to work in Cambodia. We love you Aaron and Anne!

From Joy In Kenya

Hi all, (From Sandy, Joy's sister)

(Gail's brother, Mike, Joy and son Justin) are in Africa with Heavenly Treasures.)

I just received a call from Joy from Kakuyuni, Africa! They had a long trip and arrived safely to the village where they will be ministering. The bus ride wasn't as long as they thought, but it was extremely bumpy and rough.The guest house was expanded and now has a dining room and another wing. The walls were painted and Joy said it was nice.

The village people have been very warm and welcoming. Joy says the men there who are working tirelessly are so helpful and eager to show them everything. Immediately she says you could see how primitive everything is and how hard everyone works to keep just the water supply. The women carry the water to the village and Joy says that if they could somehow get a well for this village, it would change their lives dramatically. The team walked through the village and talk of perhaps a community center and starting a farm and garden would really give this village a more sustaining way of life.The children were amazed at seeing the team's children. They wait patiently for them to come out of the guest house and the kids have made an instant bond with the village children.

Joy feels that the team's children will have a great impact on reaching this village and all the kids. Simple things like blowing bubbles has brought so much joy to the village kids.

Pray for the following:1. Mike will be speaking tomorrow at the church service. (Sunday Morning) They are 10 hours ahead of us.2. Pray for the team to remain healthy and well throughout the trip.3. Pray for the team to be able to minister effectively and find the best ways to help this village grow and become more life sustaining.4. Pray for the language barrier that they may be able to learn the language and have effective interpretation.5. Pray for God's everabiding presence and to lead this team every step of the way.

I'll hopefully hear back one more time before Christina Gaulton has to leave. She has the GPS phone!Send this update to anyone I missed since they can't blog from the village.Please put on the prayer chain message!

Thanks,Sandy

Begin with the End in Mind

About 5 years ago, I drove up to Tioga Lake by myself and slept in my car and fished from sun up to sun down. It was some kick butt fishing. On Sunday before i headed home, I got my lawn chair and set it in the water on a ledge and wrote in my journal and prayed.

I was thinking about the future. The words 'Begin with the End in Mind' came to mind. I was thinking about my legacy. What would I want to leave behind for Devon. I realized at that point that the Word of God transcends time and will live forever. I realized that if Devon has the Word of God in his heart, he will be ok, even when I am gone. That was comforting at that moment.

Shortly after this, I got a phone call from my friend, Edwin about joining Bible Study Fellowship in Menlo Park @ Menlo Park Presbyterian Church. The interesting thing about this is that they had a kids program that ran concurrent to the men's program. I asked Devon if he would like to join me in learning more about God's Word and he said ok. He also liked the thoughts of perhaps of getting a snack.

We had daily reading and studying to do, (which was a good discipline). Devon also memorized a portion of the Bible every week, which was also valuable. That year, we studied the Minor Prophets. Very long reading, (skim Ecclesiates) but we learned about how ordinary people like us who screw up constantly are met by a God that is forgiving, patient and kind. We learned about how these men and women of faith faltered, failed and yet God sustained them.

In one of Devon's early blogs, he quoted one of his favorite verses from Zechariah. 'Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord God almighty.' This is a verse that Devon has said over and over and is still saying today. Never has this verse rung so true in our lives now and into the future. We pray that this would be everyone's belief and prayer.

Yesterday, was my first day back in Half Moon Bay and I was feeling a bit glum. I felt that I have so much to do and was feeling sorry for myself. However, this morning I went for a walk to the beach and the Lord used a comment on the blog to say that he remembers me and has not forgotten about me. A friend, Cindy, who I have not spoken to in years posted yesterday about remembering that it was our Anniversary today. Cindy of all people who I have not spoken to remembers our Anniversary! Wow! The Lord used this to speak to me that even when others may not remember or understand, He does.

The neat thing about how God works is that He uses people to communicate that he hasn't forgotten about what we are going through.